I’ve been wanting to post about being a mom on here since my baby Christian was born… in August… but gosh, having a baby (and one that doesn’t like to nap or sleep much) has taken up all of my free time.
What I realized, especially in the last day, is that I was a mom way before my baby boy was born. Motherhood began for me when I met my now-husband’s two Golden Retrievers Saint and Chris.
These two stole my heart. They were my babies. I knew Mo would be an incredible father by the way he loved and cared for those dogs, putting their needs before his own time and time again. We lost Chrissy almost two years ago, and I am heartbroken to say we lost our Saint yesterday.
He was 12 1/2 and I know that is a full life for our 120 + pounder. But it still hurts so much. I needed to write this now- through the tears- so that I always remember just how great he was.
This morning was very difficult for me. Mornings were our special time. Waking up at 2 in the morning was made easier by hearing a tail thump on the floor as soon as I got out of bed. No matter what time of day, Saint was always so happy to see me, waiting for me at the bottom of the steps or at our door.
Saint was strong but so gentle and kind- and always showed us so much love. He took the back seat as we cared for our Chrissy with cancer and got us through the difficult time after we lost Chris and so many other difficult time. He was our rock. He brought us so many laughs and so much joy.
He adapted to our new house after our move this summer and made it home for us. And when I came home from the hospital recovering from a C-section, he didn’t leave my side and kept an eye on our baby. It’s like he knew that I couldn’t get down on the floor with him and give him 100% percent of my attention- and it broke my heart, but once again got us through it- wagging his tail and taking in every bit of love.
Saint lived a life of giving and gratitude. He was grateful for every present- and loved his toys and showed so much appreciation and excitement for every treat, gift and walk given to him. He made everyone around him feel so special and so loved- especially me. My “Big Boy” protected me- always making me feel safe. We shared a couch- and a bed- so many nights. He’d stay up with me while I did my work late at night. He was so so smart. He knew when I was upset, sick, if we were going someplace- knew how to tell time- I swear. I am just beginning to realize how so much of my day and life revolved around him- which is only fair because we were his whole life. And he was selfless. Even at the end- he didn’t let us know he was suffering until the final hours. He didn’t want us to see him that way. He always protected us. He waited until we were both home, and didn’t put us through having to make any decisions. Selfless.
I am so happy he had his last walk with Mo that morning- he so loved going with him to the restaurants and waiting outside as Mo hosed down the patio- (always waiting for a meatball or piece of bacon from the guys in the kitchen on his afternoon walk)! I am happy he got one more snow this year (he’s a Canadian Golden after all), and one more swim when it warmed up last week.
I am grateful that Christian got to meet him. Strangely just this week, they really started noticing each other and really liking each other. Christian started laughing and smiling at him, and Saint gave him a big lick. It made me so happy. Even though my big boy was old, I would dream about Christian growing up with him, them being best friends. But it’s almost like Saint got our family to this point- and was like, you guys are going to be okay now- you’ve got this now. I still can’t believe he is gone and won’t be waiting for me when I get home today. Our house will always feel empty and I will miss him every day just like I miss my Chrissy.
At least now I can find comfort in the fact that they are back together again, playing, chasing and running over that Rainbow Bridge… forever leaving footprints on my heart.
RIP Saint “Big Boy” Cassara 2-1-17